Anxiety

It has been almost 5 years now since my last post. People got distanced and I found myself here once again with no one to talk to. Let me first start off by saying happy 20019. Life in 2018 wasn't a great one for me. For almost half of 2018, I have been trying to avoid someone. Someone who I didn't notice for many years but eventually ended up infatuated with. The strange thing is we never even met in real life before. There are many things I don't know about you and when I asked you, you either dodge the questions or give really ambiguous answers. It really irritates me sometime. At one point it even made me question myself if we are truly friends or not after so many years. After spending months watching drama and gaming with you, I have grown an attachment towards you. There weren't a day where I wasn't thinking of you. My feelings towards you might have been obvious and it created a rift between us. There were many hints that you weren't feeling the same way as I do and it has only been one-sided. I didn't want to ruined what we had so I never spoke out my heart and began drowning myself with work. I tried keeping myself busy by volunteering to do overtime everyday for 14 hours. I ignored the snaps you sent me, the message you wrote me, and even stopped playing the game we always play. It was the only way for me to escape from this empty pain in my chest. Months has passed and I finally replied back to you. I thought I had lost these feelings for you but they had resurfaced again. The time we spent together made me realized we are very similar yet very different. We live in an entirely different world and it frightens me. You had became a huge part in my life and whenever we spend time together it made me feel like I was in my comfort zone. After rekindling our bond, I started feeling these anxieties again. I tried playing it off by telling myself not to worry, but in the back of my mind I always find myself asking; who is that guy you're always with, what do you think of me, do you feel the same way as I do? I know asking any of these questions will heighten your awareness and drive us apart again making things awkward. What scares me the most isn't the anxiety of not knowing the outcome, nor the fear of being rejected, it's the fear of losing you... For now, I can only pretend I'm okay and everything will be fine.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lo2yflQ3WdE