Like the wind

I have always known that people come and goes, but the thought of you not being there in my life anymore sadden me. Every time I talk to you I can feel the distance between us growing more and more. It's getting really hard to talk to you and I find myself lost in thoughts. You are like the wind that comes and goes without making a sound. You barged right into my life and now you got tired of me leaving me hopelessly wanting more of your presence. Just like the wind, you swept me off my feet and leaving nothing behind except for this feeling of emptiness.


 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pDs8B448fwc

Anxiety

It has been almost 5 years now since my last post. People got distanced and I found myself here once again with no one to talk to. Let me first start off by saying happy 20019. Life in 2018 wasn't a great one for me. For almost half of 2018, I have been trying to avoid someone. Someone who I didn't notice for many years but eventually ended up infatuated with. The strange thing is we never even met in real life before. There are many things I don't know about you and when I asked you, you either dodge the questions or give really ambiguous answers. It really irritates me sometime. At one point it even made me question myself if we are truly friends or not after so many years. After spending months watching drama and gaming with you, I have grown an attachment towards you. There weren't a day where I wasn't thinking of you. My feelings towards you might have been obvious and it created a rift between us. There were many hints that you weren't feeling the same way as I do and it has only been one-sided. I didn't want to ruined what we had so I never spoke out my heart and began drowning myself with work. I tried keeping myself busy by volunteering to do overtime everyday for 14 hours. I ignored the snaps you sent me, the message you wrote me, and even stopped playing the game we always play. It was the only way for me to escape from this empty pain in my chest. Months has passed and I finally replied back to you. I thought I had lost these feelings for you but they had resurfaced again. The time we spent together made me realized we are very similar yet very different. We live in an entirely different world and it frightens me. You had became a huge part in my life and whenever we spend time together it made me feel like I was in my comfort zone. After rekindling our bond, I started feeling these anxieties again. I tried playing it off by telling myself not to worry, but in the back of my mind I always find myself asking; who is that guy you're always with, what do you think of me, do you feel the same way as I do? I know asking any of these questions will heighten your awareness and drive us apart again making things awkward. What scares me the most isn't the anxiety of not knowing the outcome, nor the fear of being rejected, it's the fear of losing you... For now, I can only pretend I'm okay and everything will be fine.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lo2yflQ3WdE

Incompetent

One of the scariest feeling is not knowing what the other person think about you especially when that someone is someone you really like. Lately i been hanging around with this girl and i might have feeling for her but there are other guys around her. Even though i feel like i spend the most time with her, I feel like she been secretly spending the same amount of time with the other guys without me knowing. I know she have the rights see other guys and spend time with them but the feeling of jealousy is not something you can just tell to go away. As i see other guys around her I'm starting to feel more and more incompetent. The feeling of not worthy for someone is scary. I know I shouldn't think that but its always in the back of my mind. Maybe, the other guys are way more better than me? Maybe, she doesn't feel the same way I feel about her? I know I can ask her and get the answer but finding out the truth can be scary and I don't want to jeopardize what we have right now... I guess for now I'm just going to pretend it doesn't bother me in front of her and hope everything will turn out okay.

Watching from afar

It has been two and a half years since I wrote my last post. I guess that is a good thing since there is not much troubling me. For the passed couple weeks, I felt that that "I've lost who I am, and I can't understand, why my heart is so broken." Maybe the reason why I'm feeling this is because I have been watching her from a distance. Whenever I see her, she always seem to be alone doing her own things and it made me a bit happy knowing that there is someone out there that is lonely like me. But when i tried to get to know her, I realized that she never felt that she was lonely. Maybe because she was so used to being alone doing her own things that she can't feel lonely anymore. After realizing that, I felt like a piece of my heart has been shattered. It made me think that maybe I am the only one that is alone in this world.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w_LOOKssMpA

Two is better than one.

The only saddest thing i could imagine is being alone. Today i woke up and found out that my mom sold one of our dog. I remember having them when they were just babies. We name them Coco and Brownie, Coco is the youngest and would always make a lot of mess and Brownie is aggressive. When i first heard that my mom sold Coco it didn't bother me much because we only had them for about 5 months. This evening  i let brownie out to play but she just sat there staring at me and it made me realized that she misses Coco. They were separated from their mother when they were just born, 5 months later the 2 sisters got separated... It hurts me seeing how lonely Brownie is and it made me wonder how is Coco doing without Brownie... Even though they are just dogs they have feelings too and these feeling is very similar to how us human feel. Knowing someone when your born, growing up together, eating together, sleeping together, playing with each other, practically doing everything together is now gone forever; breaks my heart. From the bottom of my heart I will forever miss Coco.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0G3_kG5FFfQ&ob=av3e

Wishes

This world has lots of issue that we don't wish to happen but we must accept, we wish not to understand but we have to learn, also no matter how hard we wish to forget we can't let go. Wishes is just something we use to make us believe that the bad things will never happen and to deny the fact of something."We learned to walk, and to talk, and laugh, and cry" but in the end no matter how strong or how dedicated you are we are still only human. There will be issues, memories, and feelings, we wish not to have. I personally don't believe in the term "wish" because i too wished to forget some part of my memory and to not feel any pains in my chest but it will never happen. Instead of wishing all we can do is to learn to accept it for what is it or what we have or for who they are. Even if its hard to accept the truth we still have to live with it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbLoYVnh4sY

Smile even if its fake

Today she told me that "we should just be friends". I didn't feel much at first but later on I felt like a thorn was stuck between my heart... I already knew she don't like me and that it would end up like this. I thought I was  prepared for this but I guess I was wrong. I don't really want to lose her even if we are only just friends, all that is left for me to do is smile even if its not real.

"I’m going to smile and make you think I’m happy, I’m going to laugh, so you don’t see me cry, I’m going to let you go in style, and even if it kills me – I’m going to smile.”                                                                                                                —Lone Star


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=meGKezslrvc